Guide 6

1. Give yourself a break

Whether you’re feeling guilty about the friend you haven’t called in months, wondering why you didn’t get invited to the coffee morning or spent the afternoon with people you seemingly have nothing in common with.  The first thing to do is recognise where guilt and comparison are getting the better of you.

Guilt is a signal, not a judgement.  You can either act on it or let it go.  So call the friend or remind yourself you’re doing your best.  But do not insist on carrying the guilt around with you – let it go.

On the other hand, comparison is a mug's game.  Whether you’re comparing the friendships you have today with the ones you had ten years ago.  Or you’re comparing yourself to the ever-busy class parent.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is whether you have the connections you need today to feel supported and fulfilled.

Once you stop carrying around your guilt and feeding pointless comparisons, you will have more time and energy to build the connections that are right for you.

2. Do a connections audit

Who brings you joy and who drains you?  It is that simple.  You can write a list or reflect on this throughout your week.

However you do it, proactively identifying the people who bring you joy helps you focus on how you can get more of this.  By understanding who drains you, you can reflect on whether this is a connection you need to maintain or one you can retire.

3. Be more penguin

Building connections doesn’t need lots of time or a huge commitment.  Small gestures are a great way of building and maintaining friendships.

Penguins are experts at this.  Researchers have found that Gentoo penguins ‘gift’ pebbles to their lifelong mate as they make their nest together.  It even has a name, ‘pebbling’.

Pebbling works because it’s a small act demonstrating that the other person (or penguin) is important to you.  You’ve thought of them, and you’ve acted on it.

In our busy digital lives, this can take many forms – a quick message to say hi, a recommendation of a programme you’ve watched that they might enjoy, a photo that’s just popped up on your feed, or an event that might be fun to go to together.

4. Make space for spontaneity and serendipity

When you’ve got a million things to do today, this might seem like crazy advice, maybe impossible.  But bear with it.

Spontaneity occurs when you don’t plan things.  Serendipity is finding interesting or valuable things by chance.  If every moment of your day is planned and you leave nothing to chance, then it’s hard for spontaneity and serendipity to work their magic.

Remember how you met your friends as a child or young adult.  Spontaneity and serendipity likely played a big part – you sat next to each other on the bus, you kept passing each other at the station, you both wanted the big bear on the tombola.  You likely didn’t plan any of it.  It was just a strange combination of circumstances from which friendship grew.

As a busy parent, this may feel counterintuitive, especially when connections between parents can be fraught with comparison (here it is again) and social one-upmanship.  But stepping back and making more room for the unexpected can open a world of opportunities.

So get to school pick-up ten minutes early.  Have time for coffee when you drop the kids off at the party.  Stop and have a chat in the supermarket.  Make yourself open to new opportunities every day.

5. Drop the mask

People connect when they make themselves vulnerable and share their struggles, frustrations, and feelings of being overwhelmed.  We only do this when we feel safe with the other person.  So, all the pebbling and spontaneous chats contribute to building a connection that makes you feel safe.

And when we feel safe, we share our vulnerability; when we share our vulnerability, we feel seen, and when we feel seen, we feel connected.  And when we’re connected, we feel supported, protected, and valued.  All of these help us feel well.

So when you’re ready, admit the things you’re finding difficult and take the next step in building deeper connections.

6. Be present

Here’s the thing.  No one will tell you what they find difficult if you constantly look at your phone.  And just as dropping your mask is important, so is creating a space where it’s safe for the other person to lower theirs.

Multi-tasking whilst connecting with others doesn’t work.  Whether sitting with your kids while in the bath, talking to your partner about their day, or chatting to another parent on the playground.  Your time is your most precious resource – you know it, they know it, and if you’re multi-tasking, you’re not valuing your time with them.

Put the phone down.  Look them in the eyes.  Listen to what they’re saying.

You can put boundaries around this: ‘I’ll sit with you for ten minutes, then I need to go and make dinner.’ Those ten minutes with you genuinely present and engaged are more valuable than an hour with you distracted by other things.

If you’re finding this difficult, it may be that to make time for other people, you first need to make space for yourself.  Take a look at Guide 5 for steps you can take to incorporate space for you into your everyday routines.

7. Be patient

You’re doing your best to keep the plates spinning, to take care of your kids, contribute at work, be a supportive partner and all the other responsibilities you shoulder.  Yes, meaningful connections are important to your well-being, but this isn’t a race; there’s no destination to reach.

Consider this an ongoing experiment in how to build connections as your needs change over time.  Focus on how these steps can help you learn more about yourself and explore these strategies to see what works for you.

And remember, every friend was a stranger once.