Guide 5

1 It’s all about habits

Let’s start by talking about habits. Habits are learned behaviours that provide our brain with short cuts, reducing the need for decisions. Habits allow us to get through the day without examining every single component. And our brains like them because when we follow our habits, our brains get to sit back and shoot the breeze.

Habits can be useful, but as our lives change, they must adapt, too. As a single adult, pre-kids, you had control over your time and boundaries. As we attach ourselves to another human – our partner – we might give up some of that control: ‘I’d rather binge a box set but of course I’ll come and have lunch with your mum”.

When we go on to create a whole new human – who depends entirely on us for their very survival – any idea of having control over our time and boundaries quickly disappears. In our struggle to make sense of a wholly new reality, as parents, our needs and priorities quickly head to the bottom of the list.

This habit is hard to shake even as our kids grow and our needs change. But it is a habit. And habits can be changed.

2 Start small

If you want to build a regular exercise habit, you don’t start by running a marathon. To make a habit stick, you want to experience success. Remember, your brain will not be happy about you changing this habit; it would much prefer that you stick with it. But if you can build in early success and reward, it helps to overcome the ‘stickiness’ we all experience when trying to change our behaviour.

So, start small. Just a few minutes, but try and do it every day. Scheduling it makes it easier to stick to, and incorporating it into your routine also helps. It could be a few minutes after dropping the kids off or taking a lunch break! Keep the stakes low, and make it easy to achieve. And every day you do it, look in the mirror and say, ‘Well done. ’

And the days you don’t make it happen? Don't worry, tomorrow’s another day.

3 Focus on experimentation and joy

Remember, the habit you’re building is making space for you. What you use that space for is entirely up to you. You can walk, call a friend, make a meal, meditate, or listen to a favourite show. The activity itself is not the habit you’re building.

So, permit yourself to experiment, try different things, or reconnect with what you enjoyed in the past. What did you love doing as a child? Could you spend 10 minutes doing that today?

You need success AND reward, so make it something you enjoy. If you love learning a new language, jump on Duolingo, but if it feels like hard work, pick something else.

4 What do you need to let go of?

Our habits are reinforced by the stories we tell ourselves: ‘I always take this route to work because the other route always gets congested’. As you build this new habit, you might discover old stories you need to let go of.

These stories add to the stickiness you might be experiencing as you establish this new habit. It could be ‘this is so selfish, I don’t have time for this’. Or maybe ‘I’ll put them to bed because it will go smoothly’. Or perhaps ‘I’m part-time and work through my lunch to get everything done’.

These stories help to distract you from the fact that there’s no space for you in your day and your needs are not being met. As you begin to carve out space for yourself. As you care for your needs, notice what you’re telling yourself and where the story can or has to change. If your inner critic is having a field day, go to Guide 8 for steps to help you change that particular conversation.

5 Talk about it

Finally, don’t keep this to yourself. Talking out loud about what you’re doing helps others understand and process the changes they may be experiencing now that you’re making space for yourself.

Talking about it makes it easier to ask for the help of those around you when needed.

Talking about it shows your children that developing new habits takes time and work and that making space for yourself is important for everyone.

Most importantly, by talking about making space for yourself, you’re telling yourself and the world that you matter.