Guide 4

Step 1 I What do you want to achieve?

Let’s start at the very beginning.  Being clear on what you want to achieve with this conversation and why it’s important gives a strong foundation to return to throughout your preparation.

So, open your notebook to a fresh page and answer these two questions:

1.What do you want to achieve?

2.Why is it important?

How are you getting on with it?  If you’re unsure, or things aren’t as straightforward as you’d like, look at some of the earlier Start Here steps to help clarify what you want from this conversation.

Step 2 I What are your options?

You’re clear on what you want to achieve and why it’s important.  Here’s a third question for you:

3.How can you achieve it?

Again, you might have an obvious list of actions for achieving your goal, or there might be several different ways of approaching it.  It doesn’t matter.  This is your chance to capture your view of getting what you want or where you want to be.

Step 3 I Where can you flex?

Now, it’s time to consider where you can flex and where you can’t.  Take another look at the actions you’ve written down and circle those that feel most important to you.  These are the ones you can’t flex.

For those you haven’t circled, please take a moment to capture any alternative options you can think of for them.  Having a range of options, approaches, and solutions at the front of your mind will make it easier to find common ground in the conversation.

Step 4 I How will the conversation start?

Ok, you’ve made great progress.  Now it’s time to turn your attention to the person you’ll be speaking with; fix them in your mind's eye.  Imagine where you’ll have the conversation and visualise the two of you in that space.

Capture what you’re expecting from this person.  Will they arrive late and in a rush? Or maybe you’ll go and get a coffee?  Will you have their attention, or will they be checking their phone?

Step 5 I Consider the other person's perspective.

You’ve thought about the two of you together in this conversation, and now it’s time to take a bigger step and get into their shoes. Let’s start by considering how your proposed actions in question 3 could impact them.  There are three questions to answer from their perspective:

4.How will they feel about these actions or changes?

5.What will the consequences of the actions or changes be for them?

6.How do you want them to feel at the end of the conversation?

By anticipating how they will feel and what this could mean for them, you are getting ahead of the curve in this conversation.  You’re investing significantly in considering their perspective, which helps you tailor and refine your approach to get the best outcome for you both.  Let’s move on to the next step.

Step 6 I When all is said and done.

You’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about the other person.  Now it’s time to come back to you.  There’s just one question to answer in this step:

7.How do you want to feel at the end of the conversation?

Be honest with yourself; there are no right or wrong answers, and no one needs to see what you write.  Do you want to feel that you’ve been heard?  Do you want to feel appreciated or valued?  Do you want to feel you’ve said all you needed to say?

Questions 1 to 6 have all been questions for your head.  This question is for your heart.  Tune into what you want to feel, write it down, and say it out loud because it matters.

Step 7 I Review and refine.

Do you want to take a break?  This process can feel challenging, so take a short break, try to resist the urge to go off and do something completely different.  A few deep breaths and resting your eyes on something in the distance is an excellent way of mentally stepping away for a few moments.

Shall we get going again?  You’ve now got a wealth of information in front of you.  It’s time to look at your answers to questions 4 through 7 and consider whether anything you’ve identified means you want to change or adjust your answers to questions 1 through 3.

Again, there are no right or wrong answers.  This is your time and space to be as bold as you like. Maybe there’s a new action you hadn’t thought of before, or maybe of the things you circled in step 3 – those you can’t flex, you now know which of these is the most important.

So, if you need to, capture your revised answers to:

1.What do you want to achieve?

2.Why is it important?

3.How could you get there?

Step 8 I Call a friend.

You are very nearly ready for this conversation.  How are you feeling?  At this point, it can be helpful to turn to a trusted friend or partner to work through your thinking and test it with them.  There are two reasons why this can be so helpful.

Firstly, it’s an opportunity to say what you want out loud.  Say the words, hear them, and test how they feel.  If it doesn’t feel quite right, that’s a really important signal to test whether you need more practice saying it or whether there’s more work you need to do to fully explore what you want and need from this conversation.

The second reason talking it through with someone else can be helpful is that it gives you a fresh viewpoint.  They may point out things you didn’t see or may have forgotten.  This is all valuable and helps you to feel as prepared as possible.

Step 9 I Have the conversation.

This is it.  It’s time to have the conversation.  You’ve done the work.  You’re as prepared as you can be.

Remember all you thought through in your answers to questions 4,5, and 6 – you’ve done your best to consider the other person’s perspective.

Remember all your different answers for question 3 – how to get there.  And who knows, this conversation may uncover a way ahead you hadn’t even thought possible.

And remember your answers to questions 1 and 2 – what you want to achieve and why it’s important.  You’re entitled to say this is important to you.  You’re entitled to be clear about your boundaries and your needs.  You’re not being demanding; you’re being proactive in seeking solutions that can balance the needs of everyone involved.

You’ve done the work.  You're ready.

Step 10 I Reflect.

How did it go?  If the conversation is related to work, it’s always a good idea to follow up with an email summarising what was discussed and agreed upon.

If things didn’t work out as you’d hoped, don’t despair.  Go back through the steps again and see if, having had the conversation, there are new options or priorities you now need to consider.

Getting you both to the right place might take a few conversations.  This isn’t a failing; it’s just a normal part of navigating our competing needs and demands – at home and work.  

By following the steps and using the questions, these conversations will build a strong foundation for moving forward – whatever the outcome.